Today was a rough day!

My friends kept telling me to journal my experience but I hesitated because reading my experience on paper scares me. And Lord knows I am scared as it is. Today I met with my radiologist for a consult – I thought that it was going to be no big deal for me, but once he started explaining to me the process – FEAR set back in. I tried to hold back my tears, but I just couldn’t. Poor Mr. Lee (my doctor) he didn’t quite know how to deal with me. He just sat there and asked are you ok? I felt bad for him because he was a really nice man and I could tell that he wished he could help me more. But to be honest – I am the only one who can help me. Prayer. So I sat there just listening to Mr. Lee talk, it was like I was in a fog. I could hear the words coming out of his mouth, but my mind was gone - Thinking about all the side effects that he had just mentioned. Darker skin, burns, blisters, lymphedema, my implant hardening…all possibilities. WOW…I know this may sound vain, but all I could think about was I going to look burned and disfigured and then who would want to marry me. I know random, but that is what I thought. The nurse Judith saw me crying and she was so sweet and navigated through the next steps. I then spoke with a social worker at the hospital and she was very nice as well. She is going to help me navigate through my treatment - financially. She wants to help. She handed me applications to fill out for different organizations that help individuals that are going through C treatment. I can’t even say the C word.

Tears.

I went to work after my appointment and I tried to prepare myself to face the working world with a beautiful smile. I made it through the day with little distraction about my current situation. I was dreading going home though, because I knew I was going home to an empty house. So I called some friends on the drive home to gain some clarity, or distract me, because I was beginning to sink back into my sorrow. I got a hold of my friend, my brother Jason S. and he was watching a movie with his wife – so I he told me he would call me back. I said ok, and hung up the phone and begin to cry even harder. My phone rang again one minute laster and it was Jason – (ahh sigh). He said “Kim – breathe”…”where are you?” I said I am in the car driving home. He said “how far are you from home?” 5 minutes I replied, he said “call me when you get home – just drive safe”. I got home and because I did not want to disturb he and his wife’s movie, I text him to let him know I had made it home safe. He called me immediately and said “I’m here, talk to me”! I really needed that. I hated to bother people with my problems but I knew Jason would supply me with words of power. Tools that he has learned through his life experiences and he could now share them with me. We talked, we cried (well I cried), and we prayed. He told me to get closer to God. Get Closer to GOD!!!

Got it. I got on the floor and laid it all out for God. Praising him in the midst of my test. I played some music as I meditated…and stretched

1) Still Say, Thank you - Smokie Norful

2) It’s Not Over (when God is in it) - Isreal & New Breed

3) Break every Chain - Tasha Cobbs

4) Nobody Greater - Vashawn Mitchell

5) Marvin Sapp - My Testimony

Music is so powerful! Praise God.

Jason wanted me to read these scriptures in bible:

John 14,15,16,17

1 Timothy 1:7

Ephesians 4:1-16

John 4

Luke 19, 24

Matthew

Mark

All of Hebrews

One of my best friends Felicia gave me this verse and it has become my favorite…

Jermiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future.”

Lord, today was tough. But it’s not over and it’s not finished – it’s only the beginning. This is when God does his best work – because he is in it. When God is in it there is no limit. When God is in it, it’s not over!

Amen.